Self-Responsibility

I think one of the most important skills anyone can ever acquire is the one of self-responsibility. This is hands down one of the most defining characteristics if you want to live a happy and confident life. 

In the last couple of weeks I had two encounters that solidified this belief for me and I think they are both very good examples of what self-responsibility truly is. 

But what actually is self-responsiblity? Instead of a boring dictionary description, I want to give you something way better – and that is a quote by none other than the iconic Harrison Ford, who said: “May the Force be with you is charming, but it’s not important. What’s important is that you become the Force for yourself and perhaps for other people.”

Key Meaning

Self-Reliance: Do not wait for outside help or magic to fix your life.

Action: Take charge and create your own direction.

Community: Stand strong so you can also support and lift up the people around you.

And that is why self responsibility is the keystone of a happy and fulfilled life as well as a functioning and thriving community. In my view, only self-responsible people will be effective in bringing about a community and thus a society that will thrive and bring about people that are equally interested and invested in creating a life that they love as well as creating and supporting the community they can live said life. 

Examples

The first is acquaintance of mine that I know through a common friends of others and that I don’t see very often. We shared a two-hour car ride and talked all the way through. One topic during the talk was her weight, since she had piled on some additional pounds since her son’s birth three years prior. I explained to her that I do weight lifting four times a week without negotiating. It’s in the diary and I do it, whether I’m in the mood or not. I also do not eat processed sugar and don’t drink alcohol – my yearly consumption is about half a glass of champagne because of some celebrations that might take place. She commented something along the lines of me being lucky to have the discipline and that I don’t like alcohol and that I like weight lifting. She told me that she tries different sports, like Pilates and Zumba and various other things, forcing herself every now and then to go jogging and that she is actively searching for something that she might stick with. I told her that I simply have my sport non-negotiably scheduled in and that I simply follow my own rules. She said she knows that theoretically, but she wants to let loose after a day that is dictated by the needs of others and she wants to be rebellious and break free and actively overrides her own rules in favour of this feeling of rebelliousness. Honestly? This rebelliousness was less rebellious and more passive than anything I can think of. Because rebellion is hard, it’s uncomfortable, it’s about sacrificing the comfort of the status quo for a better future. She was fighting self-responsibility tooth and nail, did not want to simply start, overthinking and planning. But, honestly, that is cowardly, it is the unwillingness to look life’s major lesson into the eye: and that is that life is hard and will test you. And it is up to you whether you have it hard now or later. Either you become disciplined, go to the gym, learn about nutrition, write the book, get the degree, get up early, put in extra hours and have it hard now – or later, when you are old and fragile, have to live with the knowledge to have wasted your precious life and time on watching TV instead of creating masterpieces yourself, break bones because they are brittle and in need of assistance because your musculature is completely atrophied. Both scenarios are hard and put you under mental and physical strain. The difference being that you get stronger by putting strain on yourself now – but later it might be overwhelming. 

I show up daily for my workouts, my podcast and my books, I batch-cook and make nutritious treats from scratch – because I know where I want to go and these are simply things I need to do to get there. I want to be a healthy and strong woman even after menopause. It simply is a fact that women have some hormonal challenges in that timeframe and that muscle and bone density are the most important aspects to focus on. Eating less crap and more nutrients is also tied to me being mentally and physically fitter and more flexible, all tying into being strong and living a long and healthy life. I take on radical self-reponsibility here. I do not wait for anyone outside of myself to help me and magically fix my life – neither my physical nor my mental health. I take charge and create my own direction towards a body and thus a life that is long and active and self-directed. If I do that I can be of help in the community, I can support my kids in their lives, be there for my grandkids and simply live a life that is truly mine. Independent and self-reliant. 

You gotta know where you want to go. This is true for every project, every short-term goal and each and every part of your life. But, it’s most important when you look at your overall life. Where and how do you want to end up? This is where my second encounter comes in. 

This is a woman I have known forever, she is in her early eighties now and has been miserable for as long as I can think back. She is married to a narcissistic and depressive choleric who has abused her and their kids emotionally and cruelly, but never physically. She expects everyone to come and magically fix her life and has done so forever. She and her husband spend their days watching TV, thinking about how their kids have done them wrong in a myriad of ways, especially in not being the way they wanted them to turn out, and fighting. Their physical health is not only strained – it is a daily battlefield. They are eating hardly anything nutritious, have never done any sport and are now presented with a myriad of doctor appointments, which of course is completely inexplicable. Whenever I tell her that she needs to build muscle, because she has difficulty walking, especially up and down the stairs. This is because she has no muscle whatsoever. She hardly ever walks anywhere, never does any weight exercises and never has, and some years earlier she broke her hip and femur and never looked into building the muscle back up that she lost. Now she take this as an excuse, that this leg acts up. Whenever I show her exercises, she says that theoretically she knows all of this – but she never does any of it. Instead, she complains. That everything would be easier if her children were living next door. She calls her life complicated and miserable although she has enough money, a huge house she can call her own, a cleaning lady and someone helping her with the groceries. Yet, she complains and has done so for decades. Because the husband makes her life unbearable, belittles her, attacks her and dwarfs her own accomplishments, because he needs to aggrandise himself to feel worthy. It’s a very destructive and toxic relationship and family. But the underlying narrative is one of non-existent self-responsibility. The husband does not want to acknowledge that he is in charge of his own life to drown out his overbearing mothers voice and his feeling of unworthiness and expects anybody but himself to provide him with self-love and a feeling of worthiness. The wife married this man because she was looking for someone to take charge of everything to have her living easily, without having to confront her own discomforts, her own growth path and ever since the met they lived n complete co-dependency – each one feeding off the other, destroying their children’s life in the progress. And now only complaining because nobody came to rescue them from never having to face their own demons. 

Take-Away

Self-responsibility is facing your demons. It is taking the hard road. It is looking at the things that you’d rather not look at. It is being okay with not being okay, with heartache and with discomfort.

Instead of self-responsibility you often stumble over the word “alignment” in any kind of self-help literature. And, usually, it sounds as if alignment is something otherworldly, soft, without challenges, just breezing along whatever feels good. But, this is neither lived experience, nor ancient wisdom or astrological insight. None of those point towards a breezy life, of only doing what feels good. Instead life challenges you to grow, to take up responsibility for yourself and others and become the director of your own life. Not to make it easier, but to take charge and not wait for someone else to scream “Cut”.